My thesis
(Day 4)

My PC and I have been doing some major journey. We both are standing at the manor back in my home town:p. A place flanked with two beautiful hills in the north and the south. A place where bamboos and seagegrass flower blossoms nicely at any season, coconut tree and rice fields are as far as our eyes look into. I used to bring my books when I was at elementary school to one of the simple gazebo to that rice field. I drew the hill and the spotless horizon. There were still a lot of beautiful starlings; ducks dribbled to the water by its owner; and frogs. Yes, a frog. I remember that I used to avoid that horrible creature. Green, massive eyes, with a weird sound, have a membrane and wet feet, really disgusting and now I’m wondering why I missed that fuggly thing. They usually scattered all over the moat and I always wondering how the water used to be so clear and clean, while the animal living in it look totally ugly.

But when I watched the golden shine falling through our oak trees and covering my sky with its mysterious scene, I suddenly realize what I’ve been missing. All of this years I have been waiting for a bright thin air. It is one reasonable feeling that you just can only feel and impossible to touch. I always thought that at one fine day, somewhere in this world, I might be able to embrace and other wise standing strongly in front of it and just say that I’m ok even without it. Another love might also be a help. And I have never thought that this kind of opportunity will be ahead of me in another five days. Can you imagine? God is some amazingly scary creature, don’t you think?!Makes you wondering where you have been all these years, when someone willing to hear so many things is always right next to you.

At exactly five days from today, my class of 1996, Junior High that is, will be doing a reunion party. I assume the occasion will be loaded with a bunch of people who doesn’t even know what they’re doing there, talking to another people they used to know-7 years ago-but finding out that they don’t have the same thing to talk about anymore. They don’t even have the same life like they use to have and thousands of unrelated friends. I mean, do you get the irony yet?! And so everybody also expecting that we’ll be just stood there, eating some boring food with a zero percent alcohol on our drinks. If you still don’t think that as a suicide that’s ok with me, but I might as well jump in front of a jumbo jet. And in case everybody wondering why I even bothers to think about it, it’s because I need to know their cell phone number. I desperately need my business to grow. I’m on a cosmetics business and I need to build my network. And yes, I still dreaming of going to Europe. You can say that I’m not as sincere as I should be but it’s better than not going at all, don’t you think?! Some of the most unusual reasons needed when you trying to avoid from being socialized.

Speaking of socializing, one of those friends was here an hour ago and guesses what; we didn’t find a single conversation matching for each other. What a big surprise. And don’t even try to tell me that I don’t have the capabilities to speak anything, ladies and gentlemen, because as a good language student, I am more than experienced in a field of speaking to strangers. We just can no longer become what we used to be. Or should I say that he no longer having the sincere heart, and it also suddenly come to my mind that perhaps I’m the one who’s not growing into an adult. Which I think is a world where humans forced to build walls and wearing masks; the horrible masks of happiness, sadness, strength, and a mask of lies. I can see now that I’m being naïve when I’m expecting others to do the same. Or maybe this naive ness of mine is my mask for the world? I’m not much of a psychiatric to learn of such an impossible matter.

My thesis
(Day 3)

Thesis is always been about finding out what you have never known, right?! As for me, thesis is one thing keep me away from socializing. The huge amount of research and analyze keep me away from other human. It is intense. Between the excitement and the deadline buzz, I pretty much forget what other people’s charm. Not only the beauty or another physical excess, but also their thoughts, you know, their interests. What they want for dinner, what they might want from me, the cunning mind some of them might have, and all. When you deepen the essence of some very complicated language from the other side of the globe, I’m quite sure that the last thing in your mind is to get socialized.

So, considering the fact that being among other person is unfortunately very good, I tried very hard to find another way to fulfill this, to meet somebody though printers and theories banging inside my head. And it’s suddenly occurred to me to learn the other language. I’m not that lousy to understand new languages, nor being alienated quite easy. It is what ahead of me that have always been scary for me. Although we all basically must be engage in the present, other’s past has always been a ghost in my mind. I have this unusual habit to remember, and unconsciously-or consciously for that matter-dedicated my self to think about what I must do and what I mustn’t do. So I learn from their mistakes and tried my best not to do the same. You can imagine how I avoid the same hole, the same bald, as hard as I can. And since it is also normally work on the reverse, I pretty much make mistakes they didn’t make. There you have it. Doesn’t matter how hard I tried, at the end I’m not doing anything. Doing nothing at all. And it’s definitely worse than doing billions of mistakes.

Above the whole crap I’ve just talk about, there’s nothing more than a good, nice, and peaceful sleep I needed now. I love sleeping so bad sometimes it hurting my back. The joy of forgetting all of the things happen in my everyday is very tempting. I’m tired of these people, and I feel disappointed for them and for me.

I can’t understand why I can’t handle disappointment. I don’t know how to deal with an enormous neglected feeling. This is when you feel the sense of being ignored, left alone and got a bitter attention. And it is weird sometimes, because if I think more of it, nobody neglected me. Perhaps back then when my mother and everybody else leave me alone at the manor for they have so many things to do besides being there for me. It wasn’t loneliness at all. Back then I just knew that I always crying for myself and asking to dearest Jesus why I have never feel actually living with other people. I always feel the need to compete and to take care of myself. There was no girl on our house and if I did have one, I act defensively. There was no burden and there was no need for me to act differently from who I always am. And until this very moment, I have to push myself so hard to make me move with another people flying all over me. And the funny thing is that when I can handle their presents was when I have a higher position above them. It’s always hard not to see them doing anything they’re doing. Even though I don’t have the slightest idea why didn’t I ever want to join any of their activities. To think more about it, I’m sure now that the other member of my family has this same tendency. I don’t know what that might mean. And I don’t want to know.

I really-really want to cry right now. And I just want to make sense of all this! I have never feel this kind of cold before. I’d rather being in the top of a cold Bromo Mt., in the middle of the night, butt naked; than to be where I am now. Isn’t just horrible to keep the same mistake? As long as I’m having this stupid crush on him, I don’t think I’ll ever be sincere. There are always gap and one itchy feeling. One feeling which always making me wants to throw up, happiness can never be as perfect as it should be.

It was just bumps in to my head. To say the same words over and over again and to repeat the most horrible things I’ve learnt for many years. It’s haunting. As much as writing being the cure for me writes this one sentence it self feels like floating in an infinite possibility. I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me.
Don’t you just love thesis?!

My thesis
(Day 2)

It’s amazing the other people could affect us. It’s true how men are always made for a social individual. And being analyzing human’s social inclination, I can honestly tell you that this particular topic is very interesting to talk about. And it does also will definitely put you all to sleep in a matter of seconds>. The whole interesting-and rather annoying- subject does enlightened me some way or another. You might also find it interesting on how us, as a human, shares the same characteristics with animals. The whole territorial matter, fears, and somehow; layers. Those are some of the things affecting us from how we interact with our other partner. For example, today I suddenly got the passion come out from nowhere to do my thesis. No, that would be a lie! Actually, it came out because of one silly guy said to me that I’ve become the typical fat-anti social-girl for ignoring my life; and making him sick. It suddenly occurred into my mind that I won’t be that kind of girl. No, Sir, thank you very much! I don’t want to be those! Instead, I’ll be the sexy, passionate, smart, and fun person I’ve always wanted to be. You can take those thought and just GETT OUTTA HERE!!!

People can affect us because of our constant contact with the other individual. I find it that in some point in our social life; we reached some sophisticated feeling of fear and being enslaved in those relationships. I did give you one example, didn’t I?! I was on that part where I was just so tired of him. Get enough of him and then wanting him to-what will the British say-Bugger off. And though it is always tempting to just run away from them and find new peoples, one sad fact you can never deny is that they only become new people for one day! After that, they will only just, you know, people. Ironic as it is, but it gave you no other choices than to adapt. And this quality of trying to adapt with the other human is, I think, what separate us from those who we call animals.

Speaking of which, today is a perfect day as it is, I decided to turn of my Spice girl’s ‘Wannabe’ to listen to the sparrows singing in my roof. The birds sound very nice. That’s why I consider them singing. Well, perhaps they were not only sparrows up there. Possibly some parakeet, if I forget that they don’t life freely on the wild. Well, at least not where I used to live. But yes, Indonesia has almost all of your definitions of an exotic local wild life. I can assure you that you wouldn’t want to change those pretty voices in the morning for something else. Besides, Spice Girls are so 90’s. The affect these girls could brought me probably just as a reminder of how popular they are back then.
As for my thesis, I even don’t have a clue where I put the materials. Seems like I get more and more afraid of any single thing contains ‘college’ inside. More over, I really need to figure out how to get rid of the evil inside of me, maybe lazy include in this matter. It feels like knowing that you have a huge acne right in the middle of your forehead, ready to blow up it’s lava; and there’s nothing you can do about it cause all of the beauty journal forbid you to touch them. Now you are all wondering why I can be such a dramatic person, have I told you that I’m a TV freak?! Today’s hippest issues on our Indonesian TV are about drama. I personally think that how you can figure out cultures and their point of view in a lot of countries is through their dramas. Again, what other people did or said truly affect us! And recently I might be avoiding all of those silly-religious-almost fictional-dramas because I’m sure I might be able to copying them on my real life. That’s all culture-and any university-couldn’t possibly bear. Besides, those dramas contain more than violence if you ask me.

You wouldn’t believe me if I told you that nowadays Indonesian people are being numbed by all of the ridiculous-soap opera wannabe’s-disguised by the title “electronic cinema”. Most of us even drowned on a classic… I can’t even find one example which can describe how pathetic our dramas are. Wait! Perhaps the old “Dynasty” era would be the best picture. It was a good play actually, Mr. Spelling-may he rest in peace-, but it is 2006. It is the moment where family troubles are not that entertaining anymore, unless it’s a comedy. Can you find the irony in that? And as a good college student-who seems to keep getting away from her thesis-I proudly reported that about 95 % of Indonesian college students do not dress that chic-or that sexy-and divided only into two groups. The good people and the bad people. I, myself, learned that life is almost grey. Yet they kept doing the useless effort to entertain us. It is easier I guess, to just classify people in those two classes. But even today’s most reasonable kids studied that humans are more than good and evil! Sounds like a contradiction to me!

Nevertheless, we can never get our own conclusion if we don’t blend in. Other people will definitely disappointing, scary, and different, almost in every way. But avoiding them will also make us avoiding ourselves. How we could understand what went through unless seeing from someone else’s eyes? That’s another way for us to be wiser in life. We learned and imitate or adapt and adopt the actions. It’s the part to humanize human, don’t you think?!