My thesis
(Day 3)

Thesis is always been about finding out what you have never known, right?! As for me, thesis is one thing keep me away from socializing. The huge amount of research and analyze keep me away from other human. It is intense. Between the excitement and the deadline buzz, I pretty much forget what other people’s charm. Not only the beauty or another physical excess, but also their thoughts, you know, their interests. What they want for dinner, what they might want from me, the cunning mind some of them might have, and all. When you deepen the essence of some very complicated language from the other side of the globe, I’m quite sure that the last thing in your mind is to get socialized.

So, considering the fact that being among other person is unfortunately very good, I tried very hard to find another way to fulfill this, to meet somebody though printers and theories banging inside my head. And it’s suddenly occurred to me to learn the other language. I’m not that lousy to understand new languages, nor being alienated quite easy. It is what ahead of me that have always been scary for me. Although we all basically must be engage in the present, other’s past has always been a ghost in my mind. I have this unusual habit to remember, and unconsciously-or consciously for that matter-dedicated my self to think about what I must do and what I mustn’t do. So I learn from their mistakes and tried my best not to do the same. You can imagine how I avoid the same hole, the same bald, as hard as I can. And since it is also normally work on the reverse, I pretty much make mistakes they didn’t make. There you have it. Doesn’t matter how hard I tried, at the end I’m not doing anything. Doing nothing at all. And it’s definitely worse than doing billions of mistakes.

Above the whole crap I’ve just talk about, there’s nothing more than a good, nice, and peaceful sleep I needed now. I love sleeping so bad sometimes it hurting my back. The joy of forgetting all of the things happen in my everyday is very tempting. I’m tired of these people, and I feel disappointed for them and for me.

I can’t understand why I can’t handle disappointment. I don’t know how to deal with an enormous neglected feeling. This is when you feel the sense of being ignored, left alone and got a bitter attention. And it is weird sometimes, because if I think more of it, nobody neglected me. Perhaps back then when my mother and everybody else leave me alone at the manor for they have so many things to do besides being there for me. It wasn’t loneliness at all. Back then I just knew that I always crying for myself and asking to dearest Jesus why I have never feel actually living with other people. I always feel the need to compete and to take care of myself. There was no girl on our house and if I did have one, I act defensively. There was no burden and there was no need for me to act differently from who I always am. And until this very moment, I have to push myself so hard to make me move with another people flying all over me. And the funny thing is that when I can handle their presents was when I have a higher position above them. It’s always hard not to see them doing anything they’re doing. Even though I don’t have the slightest idea why didn’t I ever want to join any of their activities. To think more about it, I’m sure now that the other member of my family has this same tendency. I don’t know what that might mean. And I don’t want to know.

I really-really want to cry right now. And I just want to make sense of all this! I have never feel this kind of cold before. I’d rather being in the top of a cold Bromo Mt., in the middle of the night, butt naked; than to be where I am now. Isn’t just horrible to keep the same mistake? As long as I’m having this stupid crush on him, I don’t think I’ll ever be sincere. There are always gap and one itchy feeling. One feeling which always making me wants to throw up, happiness can never be as perfect as it should be.

It was just bumps in to my head. To say the same words over and over again and to repeat the most horrible things I’ve learnt for many years. It’s haunting. As much as writing being the cure for me writes this one sentence it self feels like floating in an infinite possibility. I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me.
Don’t you just love thesis?!