http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/This is going to be the journey of our soul!Searching for it? Then log on to it!en-CAMokoFeed10http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/http://data5.blog.de/design/preview/0f/3600c30e1c767ed6c9a3b445905608_160x200.jpghttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2009/01/22/leading-my-own-heart-5421515/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2009-01-22:/2009/01/22/leading-my-own-heart-5421515/Thu, 22 Jan 2009 03:52:13 +0100 <p>Flying away is the only thing I know when it comes to a broken heart. Being the only one feeling the love is far too hard for me to bear. As one may say that being alone in love is the cruelest thing to face, I can say that I’m an expert in that. Most love stories are about those people who fall for one another, mine are completely the opposite. I am the one who fall in love alone. I turn out to be the one who remembers everything after it all happened and wondering what was wrong.<br> What have I said to him, what kind of gesture I made, what was he thinking, Did I over do it, When was he said “l.i.k.e”, Did he even said anything, or just what kind of clothes he was wearing and did I wear anything wrong. All of the questions normal people (who don’t fall in love) would never have, are buzzing my head. It will keep on disturbing me until the next 16 hours every single day.<br> Did I said something wrong and was I being a complete idiot and saying these awful things to the one I love? No matter how much I chat and drink with my friends, the feeling as small as humanly possible, keeps on filling my body. Then you will know part of your body that apparently existed and getting so hurtful. You will never know it’s there until it becomes injured. There is no cure for such pain since you didn’t know it’s existed inside you and it wounded so bad. Until there’s no other option for you but to go as far as I can to get a new start. Journey ends and love is meeting? That’s bullshit.<br> Nobody’s going anywhere to grasp a beer and found a delicate wine for no reason and I have absolutely no idea what I’ve been talking about….<br> The point is that the fact that he’s not “That” gorgeous adds up my humiliation. How can that particular amateur fool me and ruin my entire plan? It was probably because I was letting myself go and a thousands of reason which I can not grasp into my senses. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2009/01/22/leading-my-own-heart-5421515/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovehttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2009/01/22/leading-my-own-heart-5421515/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/09/18/how-ironic-4744291/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2008-09-18:/2008/09/18/how-ironic-4744291/Thu, 18 Sep 2008 10:36:04 +0200 <p>How ironic<br> After several mistakes, I can’t say I’m not finally learned something. One, love is actually never meant for me. Doesn’t matter what those advertisement said, no matter how history tells all great love tales, or churches promoting it loud and sound. It’s just not for me. Being bitter you said? no. I’m just being honest and real to myself. If there are some people actually interested in me, I know that they’re just enjoying my charm or that they’re yearning to touch my body. Such shame this last thing never occurred to me since all guys (and girls) has always been doing a lot of molestations to me ever since I’m 9 years old. Really. To top it all, this person I have a huge thing didn’t even give a second thought of me and being too polite to touch me. How ironic was that??! What about this one guy who really in to me even after he’s married? The answer is that because he’s such a jerk and his wife is 6 months pregnant.<br> 2nd thing I’ve learnt so far is that it is useless to express your affection. I really envy those cold bastards who can freeze their facial expression at any occasions. Lucky person these people actually. Years ago I can hide almost any feeling I felt. There’s no reason why I can’t start that again. Being so yummy and crunchy all the time is killing me. I guess growing up include to be extra friendly in my family and I can not stop that habit. Really sucks isn’t?! Especially when others are just being so cool and acted so mysteriously you ended up being silly. Geez that’s so annoying. Feels like you are the Christmas bells and they are the boring eastern bunny. Go a head and fucked yourself you lousy pig!<br> 3rd, life is such a waste to be wasting over without working or being bad. Why should I stop myself from being workaholic and being so selfish? Life is just once. So many things I can buy with my money, I gotta stop myself from being so desperate and just go shopping. After all those are my own money, I am fully aware of it which means I can use ‘em as I pleased. I must pay myself for being patient and highly understanding of my own self. A lot of people would find it hard to accept me as their body since it’s not quite perfect as one’s might hoped it would be. I must think of something special for myself, do you have any ideas, guys?!?</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/09/18/how-ironic-4744291/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/09/18/how-ironic-4744291/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/08/18/it-s-enough-4602209/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2008-08-18:/2008/08/18/it-s-enough-4602209/Mon, 18 Aug 2008 03:24:15 +0200 <p>If life is a bumpy road who’s going to hurt your feet, mine can be called spinning road. Minor injuries and a slow pulse on the operation table is the best you can get. People can say what they want about my days but in the end it is me living it. They might say I’m just going with the flow or that I’m just too busy to notice these accidents. The fact is that I’m quite unaware of them when the moments occur. I didn’t realize that it was an abuse when it happens.<br> That was really a big mistake because once you didn’t realize it you’ll never see it coming. It was just a couple of weeks after my last one. I don’t mean it becomes a habit or that I’ve becomes numb to write in a calm way. It was just because I finally realize how sad I am now since those events basically change me. I am more and more resistant to opposite sex and threaten myself badly. I won’t take any risk thus I never take any action to fight for the “one”.<br> I don’t see any advantages of getting “together” as a usual common profit for anybody willingly to put their joy on someone else’s burden. </p> <p>I can’t say I can ask for more after what God has been giving to me. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/08/18/it-s-enough-4602209/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovehttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/08/18/it-s-enough-4602209/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/08/18/just-me-4602203/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2008-08-18:/2008/08/18/just-me-4602203/Mon, 18 Aug 2008 03:21:21 +0200 <p>After several mistakes, I can’t say I’m not finally learned something. One, love is actually never meant for me. Doesn’t matter what those advertisement said, no matter how history tells all great love tales, or churches promoting it loud and sound. It’s just not for me. Being bitter you said? no. I’m just being honest and real to myself. If there are some people actually interested in me, I know that they’re just enjoying my charm or that they’re yearning to touch my body. Such shame this last thing never occurred to me since all guys (and girls) has always been doing a lot of molestations to me ever since I’m 9 years old. Really. To top it all, this person I have a huge thing didn’t even give a second thought of me and being too polite to touch me. How ironic was that??! What about this one guy who really in to me even after he’s married? The answer is that because he’s such a jerk and his wife is 6 months pregnant.<br> 2nd thing I’ve learnt so far is that it is useless to express your affection. I really envy those cold bastards who can freeze their facial expression at any occasions. Lucky person these people actually. Years ago I can hide almost any feeling I felt. There’s no reason why I can’t start that again. Being so yummy and crunchy all the time is killing me. I guess growing up include to be extra friendly in my family and I can not stop that habit. Really sucks isn’t?!<br> 3rd, life is such a waste to be wasting over without working or being bad. Why should I stop myself from being workaholic and being so selfish? Life is just once. So many things I can buy with my money, I gotta stop myself from being so desperate and just go shopping. And then afterwards I can buy almost anything in this world but I can’t be happy… Waw.</p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/08/18/just-me-4602203/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/08/18/just-me-4602203/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/08/12/opus-dei-sepak-terjang-kelompok-misteriu-4575179/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2008-08-12:/2008/08/12/opus-dei-sepak-terjang-kelompok-misteriu-4575179/Tue, 12 Aug 2008 06:38:49 +0200 <p>Beberapa tahun yang lalu seseorang pernah mengatakan pada saya untuk tidak pernah membaca “Maria Magdalena” yang kala itu menjadi perbincangan. Katanya iman saya tidak akan kuat (nggak perlu dikatakan apa agama saya kan?!). Seketika saya tertawa dan sejak itu bisa memahami orang seperti apa teman saya itu. Mungkin dia ingat peristiwa itu kalau ia membaca review ini. Khusus untuk orang seperti itu, saya ingin ia (seperti yang dikatakan Kahlil Gibran) untuk meninggalkan segala atribut agama, prasangka, asal daerah, perbedaan jenis kelamin, atau apapun yang menjadi ketakutannya, di luar rumah saya. Bila ia ingin membaca buku ini. Kita perlu memahami dan mengerti. Bukan mengadili dan mengelompokkan. Biarlah buku ini memenuhi tugas mulianya. Sebuah jendela.<br> Mari saya kenalkan pada si penulis buku. John L. Allen adalah koresponden Vatikan untuk National Catholic Reporter (NCR), serta analis Vatikan pada CNN dan National Public Radio. Empat bukunya mengenai gereja Katolik antara lain, The Rise of Benedict XVI, Conclave: the Politics, Personalities, and Process of the Next Papal Election (1992). Ia meraih gelar master di bidang studi agama dari Universitas Kansas, dan kini bermukim di Roma, Italia.<br> Sejak awal penulisnya memperkenalkan Opus Dei yang dalam bahasa Latin berarti “The Work of God”, ingin menggaris bawahi kedudukannya sebagai seorang jurnalis. Tidak berpihak pada mereka yang menganggap Opus Dei sebagai sekte sesat, maupun mereka yang mendukung kelompok Opus Dei. Ia merupakan seorang pelajar yang rajin menggali sampai ke akar kontroversi Opus Dei. Dari asal pemikiran Opus Dei yang di awali oleh Biarawan Sacriva dari Spanyol, sifat low profile para anggotanya, bahkan kebiasaan menyakiti diri sendiri oleh beberapa petinggi Opus Dei dibahas tuntas dari sudut pro dan kontra. Setengah dari nara sumbernya adalah mereka yang pernah menjadi Opus Dei namun merasakan ketidak cocokan dalam Karya (Opus Dei sering disebut “Karya” oleh mereka yang membicarakannya) dan mundur dari organisasi.<br> Kelompok yang disorot tajam sejak The Da Vinci Code ini rupanya memiliki berbagai dasar pemikiran tentang pekerjaan yang dilakukan umat Kristiani di dunia. Mereka meyakini bahwa setiap pekerjaan yang dilakukan harus diimani dan dilaksanakan dengan sungguh-sungguh karena sebenarnya mereka bekerja pada Allah sendiri. Tidak heran misalnya, bila ada anggotanya yang mengambil jalan lebih lama ke tempat kerja atau tujuan mereka. Biasanya orang-orang ini mengambil inisiatif untuk membaca Rosario saat dalam perjalanan ke tempat kerjanya. Bahkan bila dilihat dari jumlah relawan yang bahkan tidak beragama Katolik namun bersimpati dan menolong kegiatan Opus Dei, kelihatannya sudut pandang mereka memiliki pengagum tersendiri.<br> Organisasi yang berawal dari panggilan Romo Escriva di Spanyol ini kini telah berkembang dan memiliki kantor cabang diberbagai kota besar didunia. Beberapa afiliasi bahkan dengan terang-terangan mengakui kedekatannya dengan Karya. Organisasi sendiri punya kecenderungan yang tinggi untuk tidak mengatakan status mereka sebagai Opus Dei. Kamu akan menjumpai keheranan beberapa petinggi Opus Dei akan kecenderungan ini. Dan untuk itu silakan membaca sendiri buku menakjubkan ini karena hanya sejauh inilah aku bisa objektif (jujur saja&#61514<img src="/img/smilies/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" class="middle" border="0">. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/08/12/opus-dei-sepak-terjang-kelompok-misteriu-4575179/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>seriouslycome-onhttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/08/12/opus-dei-sepak-terjang-kelompok-misteriu-4575179/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/05/10/crazy-month-4156511/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2008-05-10:/2008/05/10/crazy-month-4156511/Sat, 10 May 2008 17:18:20 +0200 <p>Crazy months!<br> I get a load of new friends n planning big bro's wedding, and.....<br> Its gonna be my birthday, and.......................I JUST WON A FREE DVD PLAYER. YEAH!!!<br> But Then again there's death... and birth.<br> All of that before my 24th birthday.<br> I really think it's a blessings.</p> <p>What would you think if that happens to you?!? </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/05/10/crazy-month-4156511/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>funhttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/05/10/crazy-month-4156511/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/04/30/just-a-thought-4115412/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2008-04-30:/2008/04/30/just-a-thought-4115412/Wed, 30 Apr 2008 18:16:09 +0200 <p>Just a thought</p> <p>It is amazing how people affect the others. Some person may not have the ability to talk or to walk but certainly human as a social creature finds a way. We use communication as a tool to get connected with others. It is our need and sometimes we overdone it.<br> This is a story about my friend and me who has both well connection and an excellent influence with each other. I completely understand why our parents get a little distracted by the fact that we match like a twins. We have the same idealism, the same view point, and the top of all; we don’t have the same religion. It’s a perfect yet balance relationship everybody is yearning to have.<br> As a good friend we both have actually influenced each other’s life. Even our hairstyle is now traded. She has my curly hair and I’ve just straightened up mine, looks like her hair before. Perhaps the only explanation is that because we admire and respect each other very much. I like her independence and strong character, something I’ve always expect out of myself. She definitely has influenced me to be brave and fight for my own self.<br> I am happy to tell you that I feel more and more proud of myself with the new do’. It may seem some short of pointless thing to discuss about but for a single- 20 something-who her mother said she’s not as pretty as other people’s daughter, it is a crucial thing. This straight “thing” going on in me has been such a precious decision I think I’ve made. Doesn’t matter how few people said how terrible it looks, I’m absolutely proud of them. My proudest part is probably the very idea that I’m abandoned my parent’s advice. Probably the word that best describe it would be “their orders”.<br> Well, it might be a lame topic to talk about, but I’m happy I’ve shared something with you, my readers. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/04/30/just-a-thought-4115412/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lifehttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/04/30/just-a-thought-4115412/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/04/30/opus-dei-4115289/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2008-04-30:/2008/04/30/opus-dei-4115289/Wed, 30 Apr 2008 17:47:41 +0200 <p>OPUS DEI : “Sepak Terjang Kelompok Misterius Katolik”<br> John L. Allen, Jr<br> Jakarta: Pustaka Alvabet, Juni 2007<br> Diterjemahkan Nurcholis & Muh. Syukri</p> <p>Beberapa tahun yang lalu seseorang pernah mengatakan pada saya untuk tidak pernah membaca “Maria Magdalena” yang kala itu menjadi perbincangan. Katanya iman saya tidak akan kuat (nggak perlu dikatakan apa agama saya kan?!). Seketika saya tertawa dan sejak itu bisa memahami orang seperti apa teman saya itu. Mungkin dia ingat peristiwa itu kalau ia membaca review ini. Khusus untuk orang seperti itu, saya ingin ia (seperti yang dikatakan Kahlil Gibran) untuk meninggalkan segala atribut agama, prasangka, asal daerah, perbedaan jenis kelamin, atau apapun yang menjadi ketakutannya, di luar rumah saya. Bila ia ingin membaca buku ini. Kita perlu memahami dan mengerti. Bukan mengadili dan mengelompokkan. Biarlah buku ini memenuhi tugas mulianya. Sebuah jendela.<br> Mari saya kenalkan pada si penulis buku. John L. Allen adalah koresponden Vatikan untuk National Catholic Reporter (NCR), serta analis Vatikan pada CNN dan National Public Radio. Empat bukunya mengenai gereja Katolik antara lain, The Rise of Benedict XVI, Conclave: the Politics, Personalities, and Process of the Next Papal Election (1992). Ia meraih gelar master di bidang studi agama dari Universitas Kansas, dan kini bermukim di Roma, Italia.<br> Sejak awal penulisnya memperkenalkan Opus Dei yang dalam bahasa Latin berarti “The Work of God”, ingin menggaris bawahi kedudukannya sebagai seorang jurnalis. Tidak berpihak pada mereka yang menganggap Opus Dei sebagai sekte sesat, maupun mereka yang mendukung kelompok Opus Dei. Ia merupakan seorang pelajar yang rajin menggali sampai ke akar kontroversi Opus Dei. Dari asal pemikiran Opus Dei yang di awali oleh Biarawan Sacriva dari Spanyol, sifat low profile para anggotanya, bahkan kebiasaan menyakiti diri sendiri oleh beberapa petinggi Opus Dei dibahas tuntas dari sudut pro dan kontra. Setengah dari nara sumbernya adalah mereka yang pernah menjadi Opus Dei namun merasakan ketidak cocokan dalam Karya (Opus Dei sering disebut “Karya” oleh mereka yang membicarakannya) dan mundur dari organisasi.<br> Kelompok yang disorot tajam sejak The Da Vinci Code ini rupanya memiliki berbagai dasar pemikiran tentang pekerjaan yang dilakukan umat Kristiani di dunia. Mereka meyakini bahwa setiap pekerjaan yang dilakukan harus diimani dan dilaksanakan dengan sungguh-sungguh karena sebenarnya mereka bekerja pada Allah sendiri. Tidak heran misalnya, bila ada anggotanya yang mengambil jalan lebih lama ke tempat kerja atau tujuan mereka. Biasanya orang-orang ini mengambil inisiatif untuk membaca Rosario saat dalam perjalanan ke tempat kerjanya. Bahkan bila dilihat dari jumlah relawan yang bahkan tidak beragama Katolik namun bersimpati dan menolong kegiatan Opus Dei, kelihatannya sudut pandang mereka memiliki pengagum tersendiri.<br> Organisasi yang berawal dari panggilan Romo Escriva di Spanyol ini kini telah berkembang dan memiliki kantor cabang diberbagai kota besar didunia. Beberapa afiliasi bahkan dengan terang-terangan mengakui kedekatannya dengan Karya. Organisasi sendiri punya kecenderungan yang tinggi untuk tidak mengatakan status mereka sebagai Opus Dei. Kamu akan menjumpai keheranan beberapa petinggi Opus Dei akan kecenderungan ini. Dan untuk itu silakan membaca sendiri buku menakjubkan ini karena hanya sejauh inilah aku bisa objektif (jujur saja&#61514<img src="/img/smilies/icon_wink.gif" alt=";)" class="middle" border="0">. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/04/30/opus-dei-4115289/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>religioushttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/04/30/opus-dei-4115289/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/04/29/to-meet-a-new-friends-4110863/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2008-04-29:/2008/04/29/to-meet-a-new-friends-4110863/Tue, 29 Apr 2008 17:54:01 +0200 <p>What a tremendous time eva!<br> This month hasn't come to an end ..yet. And I met a lot of new interesting person . April really does their magic.<br> 1st My big bro's wedding, and 2nd I win a DVD Player,3rd my Birthday 4th, I got a new job interview. And the best of all is to meet and actually make friends with a lot of younger people!!<br> I'm still waiting for the next moment!<br> I'm pasionate about this! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/04/29/to-meet-a-new-friends-4110863/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>leisurenicehttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/04/29/to-meet-a-new-friends-4110863/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/04/03/gosh-wedding-is-killing-me-3988805/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2008-04-03:/2008/04/03/gosh-wedding-is-killing-me-3988805/Thu, 03 Apr 2008 05:25:57 +0200 <p>So tired of taking care of big bro's wedding!<br> Been up so late n things seems gonna crash. Or I'm gonna be the 1 crashin. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/04/03/gosh-wedding-is-killing-me-3988805/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>lovehttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2008/04/03/gosh-wedding-is-killing-me-3988805/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2007/05/05/bebbi_goes_2_fight_the_giant~2212809/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2007-05-05:/2007/05/05/bebbi_goes_2_fight_the_giant~2212809/Sat, 05 May 2007 04:15:16 +0200 <p>Police officer. What would you be thinking when that words pop up inside your mind?A relief? Perhaps an anger? I can say on thing for you. Usually they're wearing a nice uniform which in my opinion: sexy<img src="/img/smilies/icon_twisted.gif" alt=":>" class="middle" border="0">. Don't laugh at me!In fact, I'm planning 2 join their squad & become 1. Here in Indonesia we have a lot of qualification 2 b 1. So from now, since my Thesis has done, I started one new adventure for you readers. I will show you my 20 days to my deadline n my road 2 b a police officer. Enjoy!</p> <p class="center">Day one<br> Started the day earlier than I usually does.4.30 AM.Grab my shocks&my shoes. Dad accompanied me. My muscles are very stiff. I can say that I've never doing any kind of exercise (sex doesn't count) since proximitely 4 years now. U can imagine. </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2007/05/05/bebbi_goes_2_fight_the_giant~2212809/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2007/05/05/bebbi_goes_2_fight_the_giant~2212809/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/11/01/title~1283361/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2006-11-01:/2006/11/01/title~1283361/Wed, 01 Nov 2006 03:34:15 +0100 <p>My thesis<br> (Day 4)</p> <p>My PC and I have been doing some major journey. We both are standing at the manor back in my home town<img src="/img/smilies/icon_razz.gif" alt=":p" class="middle" border="0">. A place flanked with two beautiful hills in the north and the south. A place where bamboos and seagegrass flower blossoms nicely at any season, coconut tree and rice fields are as far as our eyes look into. I used to bring my books when I was at elementary school to one of the simple gazebo to that rice field. I drew the hill and the spotless horizon<img src="/img/smilies/graybigeek.gif" alt="88|" class="middle" border="0">. There were still a lot of beautiful starlings; ducks dribbled to the water by its owner; and frogs. Yes, a frog. I remember that I used to avoid that horrible creature. Green, massive eyes, with a weird sound, have a membrane and wet feet, really disgusting and now I’m wondering why I missed that fuggly thing. They usually scattered all over the moat and I always wondering how the water used to be so clear and clean, while the animal living in it look totally ugly. </p> <p>But when I watched the golden shine falling through our oak trees and covering my sky with its mysterious scene, I suddenly realize what I’ve been missing. All of this years I have been waiting for a bright thin air. It is one reasonable feeling that you just can only feel and impossible to touch. I always thought that at one fine day, somewhere in this world, I might be able to embrace and other wise standing strongly in front of it and just say that I’m ok even without it. Another love might also be a help. And I have never thought that this kind of opportunity will be ahead of me in another five days. Can you imagine? God is some amazingly scary creature, don’t you think?! <img src="/img/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" class="middle" border="0">Makes you wondering where you have been all these years, when someone willing to hear so many things is always right next to you. </p> <p>At exactly five days from today, my class of 1996, Junior High that is, will be doing a reunion party. I assume the occasion will be loaded with a bunch of people who doesn’t even know what they’re doing there, talking to another people they used to know-7 years ago-but finding out that they don’t have the same thing to talk about anymore. They don’t even have the same life like they use to have and thousands of unrelated friends. I mean, do you get the irony yet?! And so everybody also expecting that we’ll be just stood there, eating some boring food with a zero percent alcohol on our drinks. If you still don’t think that as a suicide that’s ok with me, but I might as well jump in front of a jumbo jet. And in case everybody wondering why I even bothers to think about it, it’s because I need to know their cell phone number. I desperately need my business to grow. I’m on a cosmetics business and I need to build my network. And yes, I still dreaming of going to Europe. You can say that I’m not as sincere as I should be but it’s better than not going at all, don’t you think?! Some of the most unusual reasons needed when you trying to avoid from being socialized. <img src="/img/smilies/grayuhoh.gif" alt="U-(" class="middle" border="0"></p> <p>Speaking of socializing, one of those friends was here an hour ago and guesses what; we didn’t find a single conversation matching for each other. What a big surprise<img src="/img/smilies/grayembarrassed.gif" alt=")-o" class="middle" border="0">. And don’t even try to tell me that I don’t have the capabilities to speak anything, ladies and gentlemen, because as a good language student, I am more than experienced in a field of speaking to strangers. We just can no longer become what we used to be. Or should I say that he no longer having the sincere heart, and it also suddenly come to my mind that perhaps I’m the one who’s not growing into an adult. Which I think is a world where humans forced to build walls and wearing masks; the horrible masks of happiness, sadness, strength, and a mask of lies. I can see now that I’m being naïve when I’m expecting others to do the same. Or maybe this naive ness of mine is my mask for the world? I’m not much of a psychiatric to learn of such an impossible matter.<img src="/img/smilies/graysleep.gif" alt=":zz:" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/11/01/title~1283361/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>it-s-a-rollercoaster-http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/11/01/title~1283361/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/11/01/title~1283358/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2006-11-01:/2006/11/01/title~1283358/Wed, 01 Nov 2006 03:30:42 +0100 <p>My thesis<br> (Day 3)</p> <p>Thesis is always been about finding out what you have never known, right?! As for me, thesis is one thing keep me away from socializing. The huge amount of research and analyze keep me away from other human. It is intense. Between the excitement and the deadline buzz, I pretty much forget what other people’s charm. Not only the beauty or another physical excess, but also their thoughts, you know, their interests. What they want for dinner, what they might want from me, the cunning mind some of them might have, and all. When you deepen the essence of some very complicated language from the other side of the globe, I’m quite sure that the last thing in your mind is to get socialized<img src="/img/smilies/icon_confused.gif" alt=":-/" class="middle" border="0">. </p> <p>So, considering the fact that being among other person is unfortunately very good, I tried very hard to find another way to fulfill this, to meet somebody though printers and theories banging inside my head. And it’s suddenly occurred to me to learn the other language. I’m not that lousy to understand new languages, nor being alienated quite easy. It is what ahead of me that have always been scary for me. Although we all basically must be engage in the present, other’s past has always been a ghost in my mind. I have this unusual habit to remember, and unconsciously-or consciously for that matter-dedicated my self to think about what I must do and what I mustn’t do. So I learn from their mistakes and tried my best not to do the same. You can imagine how I avoid the same hole, the same bald, as hard as I can. And since it is also normally work on the reverse, I pretty much make mistakes they didn’t make. There you have it. Doesn’t matter how hard I tried, at the end I’m not doing anything. Doing nothing at all<img src="/img/smilies/grayno.gif" alt=":no:" class="middle" border="0">. And it’s definitely worse than doing billions of mistakes.</p> <p>Above the whole crap I’ve just talk about, there’s nothing more than a good, nice, and peaceful sleep I needed now. I love sleeping so bad sometimes it hurting my back. The joy of forgetting all of the things happen in my everyday is very tempting. I’m tired of these people, and I feel disappointed for them and for me. </p> <p>I can’t understand why I can’t handle disappointment. I don’t know how to deal with an enormous neglected feeling. This is when you feel the sense of being ignored, left alone and got a bitter attention. And it is weird sometimes, because if I think more of it, nobody neglected me. Perhaps back then when my mother and everybody else leave me alone at the manor for they have so many things to do besides being there for me. It wasn’t loneliness at all. Back then I just knew that I always crying for myself and asking to dearest Jesus why I have never feel actually living with other people. I always feel the need to compete and to take care of myself. There was no girl on our house and if I did have one, I act defensively. There was no burden and there was no need for me to act differently from who I always am. And until this very moment, I have to push myself so hard to make me move with another people flying all over me. And the funny thing is that when I can handle their presents was when I have a higher position above them. It’s always hard not to see them doing anything they’re doing. Even though I don’t have the slightest idea why didn’t I ever want to join any of their activities. To think more about it, I’m sure now that the other member of my family has this same tendency. I don’t know what that might mean. And I don’t want to know<img src="/img/smilies/grayconfused.gif" alt=":??:" class="middle" border="0">.</p> <p>I really-really want to cry right now. And I just want to make sense of all this! I have never feel this kind of cold before. I’d rather being in the top of a cold Bromo Mt., in the middle of the night, butt naked; than to be where I am now. Isn’t just horrible to keep the same mistake? As long as I’m having this stupid crush on him, I don’t think I’ll ever be sincere. There are always gap and one itchy feeling. One feeling which always making me wants to throw up, happiness can never be as perfect as it should be. </p> <p>It was just bumps in to my head<img src="/img/smilies/icon_idea.gif" alt=":idea:" class="middle" border="0">. To say the same words over and over again and to repeat the most horrible things I’ve learnt for many years. It’s haunting. As much as writing being the cure for me writes this one sentence it self feels like floating in an infinite possibility. I’m in love with someone who doesn’t love me.<br> Don’t you just love thesis?!<img src="/img/smilies/icon_cry.gif" alt=":'(" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/11/01/title~1283358/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>problematichttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/11/01/title~1283358/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/11/01/thesis_day~1283353/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2006-11-01:/2006/11/01/thesis_day~1283353/Wed, 01 Nov 2006 03:21:53 +0100 <p>My thesis<br> (Day 2)</p> <p>It’s amazing the other people could affect us. It’s true how men are always made for a social individual. And being analyzing human’s social inclination, I can honestly tell you that this particular topic is very interesting to talk about. And it does also will definitely put you all to sleep in a matter of seconds<img src="/img/smilies/icon_redface.gif" alt=":oops:" class="middle" border="0">>. The whole interesting-and rather annoying- subject does enlightened me some way or another. You might also find it interesting on how us, as a human, shares the same characteristics with animals. The whole territorial matter, fears, and somehow; layers. Those are some of the things affecting us from how we interact with our other partner. For example, today I suddenly got the passion come out from nowhere to do my thesis. No, that would be a lie! Actually, it came out because of one silly guy said to me that I’ve become the typical fat-anti social-girl for ignoring my life; and making him sick. It suddenly occurred into my mind that I won’t be that kind of girl. No, Sir, thank you very much! I don’t want to be those! Instead, I’ll be the sexy, passionate, smart, and fun person I’ve always wanted to be. You can take those thought and just GETT OUTTA HERE<img src="/img/smilies/icon_evil.gif" alt=">:-[" class="middle" border="0">!!! </p> <p>People can affect us because of our constant contact with the other individual. I find it that in some point in our social life; we reached some sophisticated feeling of fear and being enslaved in those relationships. I did give you one example, didn’t I?! I was on that part where I was just so tired of him. Get enough of him and then wanting him to-what will the British say-Bugger off. And though it is always tempting to just run away from them and find new peoples, one sad fact you can never deny is that they only become new people for one day! After that, they will only just, you know, people<img src="/img/smilies/icon_cry.gif" alt=":'(" class="middle" border="0">. Ironic as it is, but it gave you no other choices than to adapt. And this quality of trying to adapt with the other human is, I think, what separate us from those who we call animals. </p> <p>Speaking of which, today is a perfect day as it is, I decided to turn of my Spice girl’s ‘Wannabe’ to listen to the sparrows singing in my roof. The birds sound very nice. That’s why I consider them singing. Well, perhaps they were not only sparrows up there. Possibly some parakeet, if I forget that they don’t life freely on the wild. Well, at least not where I used to live. But yes, Indonesia has almost all of your definitions of an exotic local wild life. I can assure you that you wouldn’t want to change those pretty voices in the morning for something else. Besides, Spice Girls are so 90’s. The affect these girls could brought me probably just as a reminder of how popular they are back then.<br> As for my thesis, I even don’t have a clue where I put the materials<img src="/img/smilies/icon_lol.gif" alt=":DD" class="middle" border="0">. Seems like I get more and more afraid of any single thing contains ‘college’ inside. More over, I really need to figure out how to get rid of the evil inside of me, maybe lazy include in this matter. It feels like knowing that you have a huge acne right in the middle of your forehead, ready to blow up it’s lava; and there’s nothing you can do about it cause all of the beauty journal forbid you to touch them. Now you are all wondering why I can be such a dramatic person, have I told you that I’m a TV freak?! Today’s hippest issues on our Indonesian TV are about drama. I personally think that how you can figure out cultures and their point of view in a lot of countries is through their dramas. Again, what other people did or said truly affect us! And recently I might be avoiding all of those silly-religious-almost fictional-dramas because I’m sure I might be able to copying them on my real life. That’s all culture-and any university-couldn’t possibly bear. Besides, those dramas contain more than violence if you ask me. </p> <p> You wouldn’t believe me if I told you that nowadays Indonesian people are being numbed by all of the ridiculous-soap opera wannabe’s-disguised by the title “electronic cinema”. Most of us even drowned on a classic… I can’t even find one example which can describe how pathetic our dramas are. Wait! Perhaps the old “Dynasty” era would be the best picture. It was a good play actually, Mr. Spelling-may he rest in peace-, but it is 2006. It is the moment where family troubles are not that entertaining anymore, unless it’s a comedy. Can you find the irony in that? And as a good college student-who seems to keep getting away from her thesis-I proudly reported that about 95 % of Indonesian college students do not dress that chic-or that sexy-and divided only into two groups. The good people and the bad people. I, myself, learned that life is almost grey. <img src="/img/smilies/grayyes.gif" alt=":yes:" class="middle" border="0">Yet they kept doing the useless effort to entertain us. It is easier I guess, to just classify people in those two classes. But even today’s most reasonable kids studied that humans are more than good and evil! Sounds like a contradiction to me! </p> <p>Nevertheless, we can never get our own conclusion if we don’t blend in. Other people will definitely disappointing, scary, and different, almost in every way. But avoiding them will also make us avoiding ourselves. How we could understand what went through unless seeing from someone else’s eyes? That’s another way for us to be wiser in life. We learned and imitate or adapt and adopt the actions. It’s the part to humanize human, don’t you think?! </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/11/01/thesis_day~1283353/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>possibly-boringhttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/11/01/thesis_day~1283353/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/10/31/my_thesis~1279856/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2006-10-31:/2006/10/31/my_thesis~1279856/Tue, 31 Oct 2006 06:28:28 +0100 <p class="center">My thesis<br> (Day 1)</p> <p>I should be writing some thing. One thing I must write is a thesis; the others are a novel, poetry, or just some short stories. But instead of writing something, I did something else<img src="/img/smilies/icon_biggrin.gif" alt=":D" class="middle" border="0">. I kept runaway from it. In fact, it took a second thought for me just to write this! For someone who took writing as a cure for their heart such as me, this is absolutely unbearable. You see, I’m one of those people who pick writing to cure or to escape my problems. It’s definitely not a thing to be proud of, but I can’t help it!<br> Anyway, between this blog and my thesis, things have been going OK. I started to do my own things and I can actually do my own decisions. I mean, basically everybody must face a thing we called ‘growing up’, mustn’t we?! I won’t consider myself to be mature or something. It’s just that the pressures to finish my thesis are just so enormous. Everyone just seems to dedicate their lives to push me, from both of my parents, both of my brothers, and of course from my own mind. And it is also not helpful that I’ve just read some book contains the phrase ‘someone is quite useless unless they can finish college before their 23rd birthday’. Although the article inside it contains of precious things incase someone can’t finished (fulfill the society’s expectations of a perfect individual, yeah right!) their college years, you just can’t seem to miss the point about that perfect expectations. Indeed I’m an Indonesian living this Indonesian life, inside this anti diversity shell and all, but the college messages are universal. And perhaps we Indonesian don’t have the G.I. Bill, but we do have what you called empathy and the sense of oneness with the young soul around the globe.<br> Well, enough of this ‘trying to convince everybody that Indonesia is a nice place to live’; I want to enjoy this morning. Did I tell you that I wake this morning by the sound of a buffalo? Yup, it is as weird as it is. But the truth is that my house is just right next to the rice field. Yes you can reach the center of Malang (this town is consider as the 2nd biggest college town after Yogyakarta) in about 5 minutes, but believe it or not; there’s a rice field here. Maybe some of you doesn’t even heard of the sound, ya?! I can tell you that it sounds a lot like what you heard on TV, just sadder. The buffalos here are not the kind who will jump at you when you wear a red wardrobe. Our farmers use them only to fertile their land. So, the buffalos are quite boring and domesticated. It’s pretty entertaining though, living in a crowded Surabaya for quite some time; I never thought I’ll be able to hear such sound. Here it is, another part of my growing moment!<br> Hemh, enjoying my green tea in front of my PC; listening Wisnu’s ‘Kisah Cintaku’; the morning breezes from the door behind me; and the perfect view to the Mt. Arjuno. If you ask me whether all of Indonesian college girl (as Indonesian) drink green tea and enjoying the mountain view (instead of tall buildings) to start their day, I would say not all. Maybe I’m one of those lazy and shallow college girl, who would woke up late; drink some green tea and watch Oprah. I’m also lucky if you look at it this way. I don’t have to work my butt of and start to search for the scholarships on the net or else where.<br> Gees, this took me back to that thesis and other stuff I must do. This is my punishment as a thinker. I got to keep thinking of how fortunate I am and all that. Because you see, there are thousands of young people in Indonesia who are dying to have the opportunity like my self (it’s again; universally notice that college are a place to go to after you finished your high school) and a lot of them are my very close friends. And it’s not that I can go to universities abroad or something (which always are my deepest dream), but wasting this facilities (although not as much as you might think it is) felt so wrong. Yes I’m lucky to be on the middle rank of society, but I’m not lucky enough just to sit back and relax.<br> Everybody is expecting a lot of me. And maybe you felt the same too. It’s like you are diving to the great, fine lake; but you still can’t breathe unless you join everybody else on the giant sea. I mean, what’s the point of jumping to the lake on the first place anyway? You guys might as well think of me as the big looser, but I really need to start that thesis now. Wish me luck! See you again!<img src="/img/smilies/icon_lol.gif" alt=":DD" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/10/31/my_thesis~1279856/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>enjoy-the-ridehttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/10/31/my_thesis~1279856/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/06/23/enlightened~904065/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2006-06-23:/2006/06/23/enlightened~904065/Fri, 23 Jun 2006 06:20:53 +0200 <p> Thursday, June 22, 2006 </p> <p>As I recall, on the 31st of May, my friends were fighting for their lives to submit their thesis. Right before 13.00 hours, West Indonesia Time. A lot of you may not believing this, but I am,was and is fighting for my own self as well. Suddenly from that wednesday, my conscious evoke<img src="/img/smilies/icon_idea.gif" alt=":idea:" class="middle" border="0">. Watashi wa Katarinada. Katarina dakeda.Hoka no hito mo inai. Finally for more than 22 years of my life appears before my eyes. It was like a moment before death struck into my minds. So there was me. Flying here and there, never actually having, wanting, or even living. I mean, come on... we wouln't consider being honest-spoiled-depending-and careless as some human's life, would we?! Or perhaps it is, for some of the readers, cause it was for me. But today, since that late May, I's say ENOUGH!!! I can no longer be that ENTERTAINER where I'm the one who supposed to be funny, smile<img src="/img/smilies/icon_evil.gif" alt=">:-[" class="middle" border="0">, to be the object to laugh at, the 1 you go to when nobody wasn;t there, being the one who supposed to be mature, thinking of others and crying by myself for nobody was there when I needed them to be,...NO!!!<img src="/img/smilies/graymad.gif" alt=">:-(" class="middle" border="0"> I CAN'T, I WON'T, and I refuse to do that AGAIN!! NOT AGAIN! It's simply not possible again. I will fight for myself<img src="/img/smilies/grayupset.gif" alt=":##" class="middle" border="0">. I will no longer say 'It's OK' Cause IT'S NOT OK!!!I mean WHO DO YOU THINK I AM??WHO THE F<img src="/img/smilies/icon_censored.gif" alt=">:XX" class="middle" border="0">**K DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?? We're just siblings!And as the Japs said, sibling is the beginning of a stranger!!There you have it! And don't even try to think that I'm the 1 started all of this, I wasn't. But I'm glad you started it now. I really am!It will prepared me to face the outside. In fact, I guess this is how Jesus wants me to go abroad, to Canada. This is His signn<img src="/img/smilies/grayyes.gif" alt=":yes:" class="middle" border="0">. I would have have to be independent there, right?!I really appreciate this, My Lord, Jesus, Thanx a million!!<img src="/img/smilies/icon_neutral.gif" alt=":|" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/06/23/enlightened~904065/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/06/23/enlightened~904065/#commentshttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/05/30/brother_complex~839489/tag:usatelite.blog.co.uk,2006-05-30:/2006/05/30/brother_complex~839489/Tue, 30 May 2006 03:20:55 +0200 <p>Do anyone of you ever feeling this kind of feeling?<br> To feel like our brothers are the center of our miserable life,<br> to feel like they are all mine and will always be ours forever,<br> feel the huge jealosy when they hang out with the other girl,<br> feel the insecurities when we get round some other guy,<br> or just love them so much you just can not love some other guy,<br> and it's also happen vice versa.<br> You might thinking, "Go Get A Life, girl!!" Hahaha... I am aware of that. But it seems like I'm about to rotten my own my brain.<br> Because my whole entire life until I'm twenty years old, they've become my life. My laughs, my tears, my angel, and my devil. How could someone resist the temptation to feel such feeling to even care? To care and concern about what kind of person they would turn out to be, to care about what kind of person should be their wife, and to care about a lot of stupid and silly things you have never even think about your own boyfriend.<br> I really am desperately need a real boyfriend or perhaps a husband right away, don't you think?!<img src="/img/smilies/icon_sad.gif" alt=":(" class="middle" border="0"> </p> <p> <small> <a href="http://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/05/30/brother_complex~839489/#comments">Comments</a> </small> </p>badshallowsillydon-t-read-thishttp://usatelite.blog.co.uk/2006/05/30/brother_complex~839489/#comments